Distrurbing Dreams and the Darkness Within the Mind

Intellectually, I know that dreams are manifestations of all kinds - problems we're trying to resolve, fears we carry within, guilt we're trying to manage, etc.  But disturbing dreams involving your own child in a variety of ways really cause one to take pause.  A few weeks ago I had two relatively disturbing dreams about Beckett - and then another just last week.  The pieces of each dream were part of larger situations - longer dreamscapes - I woke with that feeling that my brain had really been on a journey but all I could remember was the one disturbing element from each of the 3 dreams.  In the first dream, I was out with a group of people, various people not at all really related to each other, and Beckett was with me - and we were all about to go to a baseball game - and Beckett had been kind of whining but nothing major.  And all I remember is that I suddenly slapped her little face - a stinging slap - which is something that I actually WOULD NEVER DO - I do not want to make this entry about "to hit or not to hit" - let me just say that hands down (or hands off) we unequivocally DO NOT believe in hitting in any way - so when I say that slapping Beckett is something I would never do - I mean it.  But there were several things that were so strange about this dream - first, she didn't really do anything wrong - I remember that within the dream she was expressing wanting to do something once we go into the baseball game - and then I all of the sudden slapped her - and she looked right in my eyes with her big brown ones and said very simply "Mama, don't HIT me."  And I recall feeling this sense of slow remorse - not immediate - as if I was first thinking I was justified - which was a very bizarre realization - especially because at this moment within the dream, I realized I was in a dream - so my brain was starting to "wake up" as well as process what had just happened in the dream - and maybe why.  Then, still in the dream, I did tell Beckett I was sorry and that I wouldn't do that again.  But the sensation of slapping her - the way you see frustrated mothers slap teenagers in movies - lingers in my mind and I remain disturbed - I look at her beautiful soft cheeks every day and I never feel any desire to harm them - never - and believe me, Beckett can try one's patience just like any other 2 year old but nothing warrants, nor will anything ever warrant, an action that inflicts pain - it's just not how I am made.  But, all that being said, I wish I could figure out what my brain is trying to process and why it needed to have me direct anger and frustration toward my beloved and innocent Beckett!

The next night I had another troubling dream - only this time it seemed connected to the car accident we were in a few weeks ago.  In this dream, Beckett and I were in a car with a small group of people - again, people I know but not related in any way to each other - a woman was driving the car and Chuck was not with us - Beckett was in her car seat and I was in the back seat with her - there were 2 other people in the car including the woman driving (in the dream, the various people were friends of mine but I cannot recall who they were really - but it was one of those where you know you're supposed to know the people in the dream) - we were in a city with dark and windy streets - and we were turning left around a fairly blind curve - and we were hit semi head-on as we were turning (this is similar to how Beckett and I were hit by the motorcycle in real life) - only the car actually hit the front left side - and sent the vehicle we were in into a spin - strange but true.  I remember the sensation of spinning slowly but also knowing we were OK - and Beckett was surprisingly calm - I recall telling her "It's all OK Beckett - it's going to be OK" (which is what I said over and over after the motorcycle hit us for real).  The woman driving was unconscious but only for a few seconds - she kind of came to and took control of the car - it was still drivable - and it seemed that we were just going to continue driving - and then I woke up.  So in this dream, I am caring for Beckett and reassuring her in a situation where I am not in control.  That seems very obviously connected with the accident we were in a few weeks ago - but if you have ever read about dreams, then you know that the meaning is very rarely obvious.

Finally, about a week ago, I had a dream that I was in a football stadium with Beckett and a huge number of people - and the stairwells were built so that there was space between the stairs - like where a little person could slip between them to the next set of stairs down below.  In this one segment of the dream, Beckett and I were ahead of a large crowd and were trying to get down the stairs before this huge wave of people overtook us - but we were going too slow and it felt like a stampede of people was upon us - and then I lost hold of Beckett's hand and immediately started yelling for her and yelling at the people to stop because my baby was under them - and then I heard Beckett say "I'm down here, Mama" and she had slipped between the steps onto the set below - in this dream, I could fit so I did the same and caught her hand again - and then I woke up.  In reality, slipping between the stairs and jumping below probably would have resulted in some sort of injury for a 2 year old but in this dream she was more than fine - in fact, I recall thinking that she had acquired an instinct to protect herself, and I felt this strange sense of relief.  Maybe that dream was about Beckett getting to some "next level" in the development of her very being - although the level was in the opposite direction - but it's a meaning worth considering.

So what's the point?  Well, first, maybe there isn't one this time - except to speak to the fact that we have all had these strange dreams, strange and disturbing random thoughts, irrational fears - all related to the simultaneous feelings we carry around of being both empowered to care for our beloved children yet vulnerable and afraid of the very worst happening to our children - and maybe the darkness within the mind exists in order to prepare us to prevent the worst from happening to our babies - as if maybe imagining it will allow you to prevent it.  Of course, the events in 2 of those dreams are within my control - I will not slap my beautiful baby girl - I just simply will not - and if we're ever in a stadium with lots of crazy people and stairs with gaps, then I will just carry her even if she wants to walk, at least while she's a wee one!

These weren't the first and they won't be the last - I'm positive my brain functions in this way ultimately to enable me to protect and prevent - but I sometimes wish that the meanings were clearer - and the happy ending arrived before I woke up!