Things We Do That Make Our Kids Proud (of Us)

On September 25th, I did something I haven't done for a long time - I ran a 5K here in Erie.  It was an awesome event put on by the Erie Philharmonic.  The event was called "Beat Beethoven" and you ran to the first movement of Beethoven's 5th - for those of you who are not Beethoven lovers like me, it's the all too famous one "DUN, DUN, dun, Duuuuuuuun, DUN, DUN, dun, Duuuuuuun..."(I hope that's sufficient).  It was great - the race started at the Warner Theater and our local PBS radio station, WQLN, was involved and broadcast the music - the first movement of the 5th lasts about 30 minutes and 17 seconds, so the idea is to run the 5k before 30:17, therefore beating Beethoven.  And various volunteers parked their cars along the route and blasted Beethoven from their car radios throughout the entire course.  I love Beethoven deeply (yes, I do) and decided to do the race - I have also been running about a 9:30 pace regularly now, so I figured I had a real chance.  I'll end the suspense, as that's really not what this post is about; I did it - I beat Beethoven - finished at about 29:20 or something like that - my pace was about 9:15 - remember, a 5K is 3.2 miles. 

So what does this have to do with making Beckett proud of me, or doing something that I think she'll be proud of?  (And, for the record, I do not expect her to have this sense of pride about me at the ripe old age of 2 yrs, 4 months - it's more about things I do now and as part of my life that she witnesses while growing up that I hope will make her proud of me - but, still, I digress.)  I had arrived fairly early and had about 30 minutes to spare - so I ran about a mile and half as a warm up.  When I came back to the Warner Theater, it was about 10 minutes to start time.  There were a lot more people milling about in support of their runners, and there were particularly a lot of men with toddler-aged children - children I recognized from the various playgrounds we frequent!  And it struck me that I really wanted to see Chuck and Beckett there.  Sadly, I suddenly felt lonely - not just for Chuck and Beckett but for my parents, or my aunt Rachel - people who may have been running this race with me had I been doing it in Houston.  The emotions really threw me off because I chose to do this run for ME - or so I thought - and all of the sudden doing it for me was not enough.  I very suddenly had the need for someone to be proud of me - and this was really distressing for me because I pride myself on being able to, well, take pride in MYSELF for MYSELF.  I have been preaching this to my mother for the past 3 years she has suffered through a traumatic divorce from my father.  So I was simply taken aback at my own apparent need for someone, other than me, to be proud of me. 

So I took a place in the crowd and prepared to start my run - it was exciting because you knew what was coming - that music was in all of our minds as we waited through the thanks yous to the sponsors and other announcements - and then it started and we propelled ourselves forward, somehow easily in step with this magnificent music that starts with full force.

After about half a mile into the race, I passed the Beethoven pace-setter, a young man replete with Beethoven wig and conductor's cape (yet in running garb - wonder how he would have done in period attire) and made sure that I got well ahead of him - and I maintained that pace.  I was loping along, thinking about all kinds of things, and realized that I was definitely going to do it - going to Beat Beethoven (the pace-setting Beethoven was waaaaayyyyy behind me and I felt great at my 9:10 pace), and the thought randomly entered my head "Beckett will be really proud of me."  It was a surprising thought for a lot of reasons - first, why do I need Beckett to be proud of me, and why do I need to burden her with that pressure, second, she's two and cannot fully understand the concept of pride and three, LAUREL, what the hell is wrong with you - you are doing this for yourself, for fun, it's not like you're even a runner who runs in races to win, in general!!  I'm having these thoughts as I'm getting closer and closer to the finish - and I can't say that they ever really reconciled - but I knew that at the end of my race, I wanted to see Beckett and Chuck there, cheering me on, and I wanted both of them to be proud of me. 

Well, they weren't there (they were, however, on the way - there had been an incident with poop and the need for a bath, which delayed departure...) - and I was bummed - but I realized I was bummed for only one reason - I'm lonely here in Erie - I'm lonely for my support system, family and friends that would have been there had this been happening in Houston or Denver.  And with Chuck and Beckett NOT yet there, I felt a strange sense of being alone.  And I also realized that that's OK - that even if I didn't have Chuck and Beckett, or any of my other loved ones spread all over the country, I would still have run this race and still beat Beethoven and that the only pride about my performance needs to come from me - period. 
Now, there is logic and there is emotion; logic drives what I just said about your own sense of pride being enough to motivate you.  Emotion drives the concept that you want your kids, or others, to be proud of you - I think I want Beckett to be proud of me because of a number of reasons - for 1, I'm proud of her and maybe there is a natural need for reciprocity among humans, or 2, mutual pride will continue to connect us and aid our intimacy even when things get challenging in later years, or 3, I selfishly want her to be like me and I want her to be interested in the things I do, and hopefully choose to do them too - and being proud of some of the things I do may encourage her to do them as well - with me - see, there it is - it's a long-winded way to keep her with me for as long as I can.

This weekend, on 10-09, I ran in another 5K - the Her Times 5K put on by the Erie Times-News and our publication called Her Times.  It was a beautiful day at Presque Isle - high 50s at the 9am start - I left early again and got down there in time to run another 1.5 miles pre-race.  This time, though, Chuck and Beckett were already on the way and I knew they would be there at the end of the race.  I was chugging along at a slower pace this time, but still finished under a 10 minute mile - in fact I finished 111 out of 525 racers - not bad!  As I ended the race and came through the chute, there were Chuck and Beckett - Chuck was trying to get a couple of pictures of me and Beckett was BEAMING - I know she didn't totally understand what I was doing but she had a big smile on her face - and to me, well, it felt like pride.

PS - There are also a series of kid's races as part of the Her Times event - and Beckett ran in her first race!  Actually she ran in two races due to my error - one was a 1/4 mile and one was 1/8 - we have video and it's precious.  But here's the thing - I asked her if she wanted to do it and she said yes - she kind of knows what racing is because of how she and some of her friends play at school.  Saturday morning, Chuck got her number on her back - and she watched the first 2 kids races with interest.  Then we lined her up and took off with the other kids - and I think she really liked it - and she got a gift bag and a medal (she loves gift bags).  But the point is that she seemed to like doing something that I have shared with her since she was born - running - and maybe all the running she has done with me will become something she wants to do for herself, and maybe something that she wants to do with me for years to come - just maybe.