And Now the Reality About Working

In my last post, I referenced the emotional challenges of being a working parent.  Of course there are much more than emotional challenges - how about the challenges faced daily in just trying to get yourself and the girl out the door - and get to work on time (ha, what's "on time" again?)  But  for now I'd like to talk about the emotional pull between working and staying home. 

Those of us who do indeed have to work like to believe that we also enjoy the work we do - and many of us probably would like to believe that work is contributing to the greater good of society, benefiting the world in some way, etc.  I have encountered some people who are able to do good work and not worry about whether or not it's contributing to the greater good - and they do their work while at work and go home and are present at home.  Those people seem to be able to look at the facts of their lives and take it at face value: in essence, they have to work to pay for life and they don't spend a bunch of time worrying about the hours of the day they don't get to spend with their kids, rather they focus on the hours of the day that they DO get to spend with their kids.  I so admire those people - and I have tried to take that approach when dealing with my emotional turmoil over missing time with Beckett - and let's just say that some days are better than others.

My work in the newspaper industry is uniquely challenging, which has inherent frustrations and inherent rewards.  I wouldn't necessarily use the term "enjoy" when describing how I feel about the daily work I do, but I do find it interesting, challenging (in the good way), stimulating due to constant problem-solving, rewarding and very rarely boring.  In fact, the 12 years I have been involved with newspapers on the digital side have flown by - and I can count many, many successes as well as some healthy failures. 

So when Beckett was only 8 weeks old, I had to go back to work and it was desperately hard.  Partially because the hormone levels were still out of whack due to breast-feeding, and I was certainly still feeling those intense new mother feelings that make want to be with your baby 24/7.  A few short weeks after that, I accepted a new job and we moved to Erie, PA, where I dived deep into a new, very challenging position and Chuck stayed home with Beckett.  Work life was insane - so many issues that needed immediate repair - the days flew by and I was able to go home and be free of work while at home.  Yet I struggled with the reality that the time I was away from Beckett each day was GONE - and I couldn't ever get it back.  I would count up the hours away and the hours with and always try to make them equal so I wouldn't feel so guilty and sad about being away.

Over time, my hormones leveled out and my brain found a way to help me normalize - and be present in the time I am with her rather than obsessing about the time I am not getting with her.  I think I have reconciled that I do have to work, and that I do enjoy working - and that's not changing any time soon.  Yet, sometimes Monday mornings are harder lately.  I'm sure it's because she has blossomed into this precious little talking person who smiles just about all the time - now I miss her in a different way than when she was an infant.  And when she wakes up on Saturday morning and says "I stay here, with you and Daddy too!" because I told her it was Saturday and no one has to work - her happiness is as palpable as mine!  Conversely, sometimes on Monday mornings I remind her that I have to go to work, and though she's happy that Erin and Lexi are coming to stay with her, she still says "I don't want you to go to wort, I want you to stay here" (she calls it wort - sounds like wart, kind of funny).  So on those mornings, I resemble that remark but I just take a deep breath, give her a big hug and tell her I wish I could stay and that I'll miss her all day.  It's the best I can do for now and that's the reality about working.